Rewind

So.  I feel like I have become that typical stereotype.  I am living with my mom.  Again.  Here I am laying in the same bedroom that I spent my childhood in.  Where I broke up with by first boyfriend over the phone.  This is where I celebrated my fifth birthday.  This is the house where I walked from to go to school.  I'm back here.  This time, with my family.  Here we all are, crammed into the same bedroom that I had nightmares about monsters in.  Sleeping in a bed in the exact same spot where, when I was 8, I swore I saw Superman out my bedroom window.
After moving out when I was 18 because I knew everything and had a life plan that was sure not to fail I never thought that I would end up right back here.  With my Barbie dollhouse right back where it was when I got it for Christmas when I was 7.  I'm not sure what's more humiliating.  The fact that I need my mommy to help me take care of my children or the fact that the couch that we paid exactly $0 for is sitting in a storage unit, unused.  I guess the bonus to this is that I have figured out exactly how much stuff we really need to get buy.
Side note:  I will be busy selling most of my stuff on the thrifty local Facebook yard sale group.

The man I knew

It's been a month that I lost my dad and that makes today all the more difficult.  I am still having a hard time accepting my loss.  I still call my mom's house expecting him to answer with his radio voice in a friendly "hello".  Every day I wish I had another chance to give him a hug and a kiss.  Even as I write this I cannot help but choke back bitter tears.  Any person that had the opportunity to meet him was blessed.  That being said, I count myself as doubly blessed to have known this man as my father.  

The relationship a girl has with her father is special.  It sets the precedent for all future relationships that she will have with the men in her life.  My father was the greatest man I have ever known.  He had a kind heart, and a loving spirit.  When he said he loved me, it was more than words.  My dad showed me what love was.    Every day I would live to make my dad proud of me.  There was nothing more that I wanted growing up than to see him smile and say "good job."  He was a man to whom you would compare other men with.  He was a man of few words, so that when he spoke, you knew that what he had to say was important.  To the end of his life, in his last few days, I clung to every word he said... knowing that these would be the last words that I would hear in his voice.  He told me he was proud of me and the mother that I had become.  I felt as if everything I worked for in his lifetime paid off. To hear my daddy say that he was proud of me meant the world.  

I knew a man, the strongest, most brave, smart, loyal and courageous man you could have ever of known.  If he had lived 200 years ago, he would have been a knight, for his traits were that of one.  He was noble and wise.  He did everything to the best of his ability.  

I knew a man who would do anything for his famly.

I knew a man who was the binding tie to our family.

That man was my father.  

So today, I post a letter to my father.  I know he's here with me, and he can see this.  

Daddy,

Even though you've been gone for a month now, it hurts like it was yesterday.  I feel so lost without you.  I knew that I would someday be faced with a life without you, and I am thankful for the time I had, but I wasn't ready for you to go.  I know you always taught me not to be selfish and I know that you were suffering and wanted to go... but daddy, I miss you so much.  

Can you see me, daddy?  Every day something reminds me of you.  Something happens that makes me want to pick up the phone to call you.  

Can you hear me daddy?  I'm crying because I miss you and you're not here to tell me that everything will be okay.  

I know you don't miss me, because you haven't left me.  You can see me, you can hear me, and you're still close.  But daddy, I miss you.  I miss seeing you, hugging you and listening to you.  You held my hand for so long, daddy.  I wasn't ready to let go.  I know you were ready to see heaven daddy, but I wasn't ready to see you go.

I love our family so very much daddy, but I loved you the most.  You taught me so much, but there was still so much more for me to learn.  I promise that I will make you proud.  

Daddy, I don't know why this happened to you.  You always said that life isn't fair.  Your life proved that.  A man like you didn't deserve the death you suffered.  A man of your integrity deserved to live in the finest house, with the finest things.  A man that loved the way you did didn't deserve to hurt the way you did.  You never made me cry, until the day you closed your eyes and made me say goodbye.  

The best dads get promoted to grandpa they say.  You were the greatest of dads to have as many grandbabies as you do.  Thank you, daddy, for waiting to meet Nicholas.  That meant the world to me.  He's such a strong boy daddy.  He reminds me so much of you.  He has some of your quirks, and strangely, even looks like you.  If he wants to grow into a great man, he'll only have to model you.

I guess the best grandpa's get promoted to angel.  You are an angel now daddy.  Spread your wings wide.  Please, daddy, wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.  God called you home, and that left an empty space in my heart.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't walk.  I knew that you were gone, but I couldn't believe it.  I knew it was coming, but it still hurt.  It always will.  I wasn't ready daddy.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  

Can you see me, Daddy?  I miss you so badly.  

Can you hear me daddy?  I just want to say "I love you."

I'll do everything right daddy.  I'll live honest and true.  All in the hopes, that one day again, I'll see you.  

Happy father's day, daddy

I love you.

Accepting truth

My dad is dead.  My dad is dead.  I keep telling myself that but no matter how many times I say it I don't believe it.  I can't accept the fact that after all these years of fighting cancer it all came down to one last breath.

It's so hard for me to accept.  Maybe I am just as stubborn as he was.   I never saw my dad sick when I was a kid.  Of course he would get the occasional cold, but that's it.  I never saw him sick.  This only served to reinforce my view that my dad was superhuman.  Even when we first realized he had cancer he didn't seem sick.  Daddy never complained. If mom had not of said something I would have never known.  Probably because I didn't want to see it. 
Last year, daddy fell and broke his shoulder and hip and that's when they discovered how serious the cancer was.  It was at that moment, when I saw him in the hospital bed that I realized just how frail he had become.  It was then that I had to accept that my daddy was just human.  I can never say that he was just a man, because in my book, he was not just a man. 

Daddy and I had a special relationship.  He would defend me when my mom was being too harsh.  He would sneak me treats after school and it would be our secret.  I was a tomboy growing up so he would show me what he was doing when he would work on his cars.  Every Friday night after homework we would go to the mall and play in the arcade or watch a movie together.  He was everything a dad should be to his little girl.  

The best thing he ever told me is that he was proud of the woman I had become and that I was a great mother to my kids.  All my life, all I wanted to do was make him proud and for him to tell me that meant the world.

I feel like I lost my person.  You know, the one that you can go to and tell anything.  The one who knew exactly what to do to make things right again.   

My daddy is gone.  And I am not okay.